No it's not what you think GRIN

I did 7 1/2 miles on my bike yesterday...the furthest I've ridden in years. It feels great, but I can feel my muscles today. I need a massage to make me feel better.

I cam across this while surfing for a creed for a worship service. It's very good and very scary in its accuracy!

"A Modern Creed" -
I believe in my income and Standard of Living, maker of pleasure on earth. And in Things-I-Own and Things-I-Want-To-Get, which are conceived by desire for possessions born of a regular paycheck, suffered under monthly payments, then glorified, cherished and admired. They descend in their value, but on a future day I'll acquire some more, ascending in my status, 'til I sit in quite comfortable retirement, from whence I shall come to enjoy them all without end. I believe in my home or apartment, my comfortable automobile, my vacation with pay, my insurance for life, the satisfaction of my wants and a bank account ever increasing. Amen. [based on The Apostles' Creed]"

Date:	2006-08-29 15:34
Subject:	Pass it on
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Bad 80s christian Pop - Steve Camp

So get to work this morning to discover my boss has been inviting guitarists to play in my band without asking me first - not realizing that I already have a guitarist and don't need another. This put me in a really bad mood as he's done this before, and this time it's with a guitarist who a) isn't that great and b) is relationally unhealthy. I thought Id got away from this guy once I left Mercy Street and now my boss is trying to bring him over AARRGGHH

So I'm angry and pissed off - and the first song I have to lead in staff worship is 'Come and fill our hearts with Your peace'!!!

So I sorta calm down but then I'm in a meeting this afternoon and this one woman is just driving my crazy and being (in my opinion) to concerned about something and wanting to over-coddle the congregation. She was a Psychiatric Nurse and it seemed to me that she was treating the congregation like a group of sick patients - so I made a joke about it. Not a good move SIGH She got pissed at me. I knew it was the wrong thing as soon as I opened my mouth....dammit!

Now I'm kinda waiting for a) my immediate boss to get out of another meeting so I can process with her and b) for the other woman to calm down so I can call her and apologize.

I get pissed off, I piss others off........the pendulum of life swings again.

Date:	2006-08-16 09:35
Subject:	Bleuch!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky
Music:	80's

Feeling a bit low this morning.

I got into some behavior last night that I don't wanna do any more and had hoped was gone from my life. Nothing major or earth shattering or life threatening, just something I need to hand over to God because I'm using it rather than Him as a coping mechanism SIGH

In hindsight I think it was some of my frustration about JJs changes coming out sideways - though I did process it through with the bf which usually helps.

My work now is not to downward spiral - I get tempted to give up on everything. My walking and weight-loss is working, the apartment is getting clean and I feel good about work - I musn't let one action rewrite my scripts into telling myself that I'm a piece of crap.

God says I'm not, and sometimes I actually listen to Him and believe Him.

So I'm praying for a good couple of days and recommitting myself to sane healthy sober living.


Habakkuk 3: 17-19 says:
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.


I guess my version could be something like:

Though work feels like work,
and demands increasingly nip at my heels,
Though prayer time is a barren salt-flat
and worship is just resounding echos in a cavern of doubt
Though sobriety is a fleeting mirage
and ministry a march across a mine field,

I will align my spirit with God's truth
I will lift my eyes from me to Him.

My strength is failing - but God offers His strength to me
He will enable me to walk the treacherous paths
And dance safely on the brink of disaster.



I really don't like it when I get caught in my own self-pity. The above writing makes it sound like my life is falling apart. It's not. It's one minor bump in the midst of contentment. I am ok. Life is ok. God is ok. Sometimes I just need to give voice to my inner whiner.

Date:	2006-08-15 15:07
Subject:	AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky
Music:	Avenue Q

Yesterday I wrote:

"I had a great morning planning a worship service with K. She and I are really on the same page about what we are trying to achieve - I'm just concerned about having our careful planning shot down by JJ. He comes up with the weirdest notions sometimes and then we have to work out how to implement them into the service."

Well in the meeting I just got out of JJ didn't change our order of worship - he threw it out completely. After saying last week we'd be back to normal in September, this week he decided to extend the 'Revival' style one more sunday - completely wrecking my yesterdays planning.

You don't have to be mad to work at a church, you just will be by the time you leave!

Date:	2006-08-14 16:35
Subject:	No really...I am awake.....honest!
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	The Baker's Wife - Stephen Schwartz

A hectic weekend!

Friday night was playing games round at T's house. I had a great time, but apparently things got rather heated after I left. They played 'Mall of Horror' - a dangerous game involving voting who gets fed to Zombies. The trash-talking by D got way out of hand and it just stopped being fun. T called him on it and refused to play anymore - good for her. We've had lots of problems with D in the past with this sort of thing and I'm glad he wasn't 'enabled'.

Sat morning was singing at a funeral. A 3 minute a capella trio of 'Down to the River To Pray' (Oh Brother Where Art Thou)and I get paid $100. Can't beat that.

Then I met up with some friends and went to my first ever ballgame to see the Astros play. I loved it. We started off at Chacos eating the largest plate of Nachos I have ever seen. Then off to Minute Maid park. I expected to enjoy the the experience, but I didn't know if I would get into the game. I did! I would actually pay to go watch a baseball game because I actually understood what was going on and a little of the tactics. I did restrain myself from standing up and shouting 'You Go Girl!' when the Astros hit a home run though. There was quite a lot of bearish eye candy at the game but it really didn't bother me because a) in a situation like that I assume that everyone else there is straight (!) and b) I was so enjoying what was happening in the game I really didn't check anyone out.

Sunday morning I sang 7 solos !

I was exhausted by lunchtime and then I had to pull myself back to work to lead 2 rehearsals back to back.

I should have gone home after that, but I had gotten a box of new games on friday which I hadn't played yet, so I got together with G and we played games till about 12:45 this morning. By the time I got home it was past 1am. My eyes look kinda bleary today - most people just think it's recovery from the surgery though.

I had a great morning planning a worship service with K. She and I are really on the same page about what we are trying to achieve - I'm just concerned about having our careful planning shot down by JJ. He comes up with the weirdest notions sometimes and then we have to work out how to implement them into the service.

I guess I'll just have to see how he reacts to the new format!

Date:	2006-08-11 15:48
Subject:	A Wrinkle in.....Corneal Flaps???!
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic
Music:	Matt Nathanson - Angel

Ok, it's not quite the Madeline L'engle book, but it's whats going on with me at the moment.

Basically they cut my corneal flaps and lifted them up and adjusted the cornea beneath them. They then put the flaps back in place, but of course the flaps are still in the shape of the old cornea, not the new improved laser corrected cornea. This means they go back slightly wrinkly and have to heal into the new shape as the cells grow. My vision is 20/20, but the wrinkles in the flap cause some slight distortion - kind of like looking through uneven glass.

All I have to do is wait for my flaps to adjust to the new cornea shape beneath them and everything should be perfect - no news on how long that takes though as everyone grows cells at a unique rate.

As my doctor said 'Good lubrication is the key!' - I refrained from making any of the obvious jokes back GRIN

In a side note, I've been invited to go with a group of guys to watch the Astros tomorrow night. I'm kinda of excited because it's such 'a guy' thing to do and I've never really felt like 'one of the guys'. It's not really to do with orientation its more to do with belonging and feeling masculine I guess. So I went to the store today and bought an Astros T shirt and downloaded Baseball 101...I've been trying to understand it, it's definitely not cricket!!!

Date:	2006-08-09 20:51
Subject:	I see people like trees
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	Angel - Matt Nathanson

I'm a little concerned about my eyes...I was 20/40 the day after the surgery, and the eyes are suppossed to improve. Mine feel like they are getting worse :( Fortuantely I have an appointment to check them on friday. It's just frustrating as I"ve had so many people talk about how their eyesight was perfect the day after surgery SIGH

Date:	2006-08-07 14:19
Subject:	Eyes update
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper

So, I had Lasix thursday morning last week. The entire procedure lasted less than an hour! The right eye was totally pain free, the left eye hurt a little when they cut the flap, but I can't tell whether that was real or just psychological because it was the second eye so I knew what they were doing.

I slept the rest of the day (the valium helped) and then went to play boardgames that night. My eyes feel kinda weird, as if there is something in them, I guess it's getting used to the corneas being a slightly different shape.

So friday I went back and had my initial post op. My eyes tested at 20/40 vision. This is great, as it means I can drive without glasses, but also kinda scarey as I"m noticing some fuzziness and this means that their are lots of people out their driving with less than perfect vision.

Im using two sets of eye drops 4 times a day. I haven't noticed any dry eye feelings yet. My right eye is definietly better than the left and I find myself getting some headaches by the end of the evening because of the concentration.

It is hard to predict exactly how long the eyes will take to stabilize. They said at the doctors that vision is corrected 80% immeditately and then the rest comes in over about 3 months dependent on the person. Of course everyone has a horror story and a theory about how long the eyes take to heal. I've heard everything from 6 weeks to over a year. I'll just wait and see. When I tested at 20/40 it meant my eyes had improved 85% which is above the average so hopefully I'll continue at about average recovery time.

Date:	2006-07-31 15:09
Subject:	Seeing clearly?
Security:	Public
Mood:	just a little!
Music:	none

The bf is here....and it's been great so far to have him around again. I can't wait till later this week when I have a couple of days off.

Today I have all the final testing for the Lasix surgery on thursday. I'm feeling a little bit apprehensive about something going wrong, though I've never heard of anyone every having problems. Yet more of the me being special I guess LOL

Work is still strange, I will be glad when August is over and we get back into some kind of normal rhythm - though normal is definitely relative in church work.

I still need to work on the service redesign and work out what I need to do with the choir when August is over, but that can all wait, I'm all into leaving early to spend time with bf :)

Date:	2006-07-29 18:00
Subject:	just the usual happening
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice

Well the bf arrived this morning and after a fully cooked breakfast and a passionate embrace or two (GRIN) he went off to play d&d while I played for a wedding.

The wedding started 35 mins late :( so I rushed home to make more amish friendship bread (chocolate this time) and write my meditation for church tomorrow morning....more thoughts on poverty of spirit.

Most exciting news of the day? I learned a new way to program my cellphone ....I can be such a technophobe at times.

Date:	2006-07-26 16:51
Subject:	tee hee hee
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	Willie Nelson

oh my I've just heard Willie Nelson's new song!!!! Tee hee


Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly (Fond of Each Other)

Well, there's many a strange impulse out on the plains of West Texas.
There's many a young boy who feels things he can't comprehend.
And a small town don't like it when somebody falls between sexes.
No, a small town don't like it when a cowboy has feelings for men.

And I believe to my soul that inside every man there's the feminine.
And inside every lady there's a deep manly voice loud and clear.
Well, a cowboy may brag about things that he's done with his women.
But the ones who brag loudest are the ones that are most likely queer.

Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other.
Say, what do you think all them saddles and boots was about?
And there's many a cowboy who don't understand the way that he feels for his brother.
And inside every cowboy there's a lady that'd love to slip out.

And there's always somebody who says what the others just whisper.
And mostly that someone's the first one to get shot down dead.
So when you talk to a cowboy don't treat him like he was a sister.
You can't fuck with a lady that's sleepin' in each cowboy's head.

Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other.
What did you think all them saddles and boots was about?
And there's many a cowboy who don't understand the way that he feels for his brother.
And inside every lady there's a cowboy who wants to come out.
And inside every cowboy there's a lady that'd love to slip out.

Date:	2006-07-26 15:23
Subject:	I'm not going to whine!
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	Kate Bush

My life is good....and yet I've noticed a tendency to whine a lot on here...so today I"m not going to whine!

My bf will be here on saturday for the week and I get to have my eye surgery next week. My mom is doing real well (it will be 6 months on sunday since dad died) and she's coming to visit me for christmas. Life is o.k.

Yes it could be better but it could also be so much worse.

I'm speaking at the Contemplative service this weekend, we were talking this morning about poverty. Not so much financial, but more poverty of spirit etc. I talked some about my poverty of 'self worth', how I care too much about what other people think, and how lots of situations have arisen recently where people could be thinking bad things about me so I've had to give my poverty to God and trust him with it.

We talked about how our poverty shouldn't control our life our disqualify us in anyway and that 'Abundance is not the absence of poverty but God's presence in our emptiness.'

All this from the passage in 1 Kings 17 with Elijah and the widow with the oil and flour jars...pretty cool!

Date:	2006-07-20 09:05
Subject:	Three quotes and a thought
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful
Music:	K T Tunstall

Quote 1

'What if interpreting the bible is not understood in these decidedly positivist terms as a kind of archaeological dig for historical facts or revelatory propositions? What if the bible is more like the text of a Shakespearean play or the score of a Beethoven symphony, where true interpretation involves corporate performance and practical enactment, and where the meaning of the text or score will vary to some degree from one performance to another depending on the identity of the performers and the circumstances of the performance?'
--- Taken from Spiritual Direction and the Gay Person by James L.Empereur, S.J.


Quote 2

'The public acceptance of gays and lesbians into the Christian community could be as traumatic as was Paul's acceptance of the Gentiles without the need of their becoming Jews first.'
--- Taken from Spiritual Direction and the Gay Person by James L.Empereur, S.J.


Quote 3

'4 out of 5 Baptist Divorcees want gays to stop undermining the sanctity of marriage.'
----taken from www.bettybowers.com



My thought doesn't really relate to any of the above but stems from a conversation I had with a good friend last night.
In the past I would have said agreed with these three statements

i) I do not like that I am gay
ii) God does not like that I am gay
ii) It's ok for other people to not like me because I'm gay

I've changed positions, I think where I am now is summed up by the following three statements

i) Most of the time I am ok that I am gay
ii) Some of the time I think God is ok with me being gay
iii) I'm still not ok with other people not liking me because I'm gay.
(I'm o.k. and God is o.k. with me being o.k. but I'm not o.k. with other people thinking I'm not o.k.!!!)


So I'm growing and changing and I still care too much about what other people think about me.

Date:	2006-07-19 14:42
Subject:	Middle of the year emotional puke!
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful
Music:	Eurovision Song Contest Entries 06

Man it's been forever since I posted anything on here.

I survived the bluegrass musical - my hand almost seized up from playing so much fiddle, but it's amazing what painkillers and ice can help you achieve.

Hmm so the year is over half over and so far it's been a bit of a let down. I really haven't done much of what I had planned for this year...they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. By that definition I've been insane a lot :(

I miss the b.f. Him moving away has opened some old wounds and negative messages about myself. What with that and my dad's death to start the year it's not been easy. Throw in the big change of job responsibilities too and I guess I'm firing on stress overload!

I cope most of the time quite well...I'm watching more tv than I would like and eating more than I need too, but I'm doing ok.

I really need to get work on a new music project...I've finished the Requiem...though nobody has heard it yet and I still don't know if it will get performed this fall or not.


I need to 'up' my efforts into forging real deep human relationships...this shallow stuff doesn't cut it for me. The main group I hang out with are the boardgame guys, they are great fun, but they don't know me at a deep level.

So I'm 39, and I still don't really know what I wanna do when I grow up SIGH

I'm gay, but I still have trouble admitting it to most people...and I work for a church where I can't be honest at myself or my relationship with my bf as I would risk getting fired.

How did I get to be here???????

Date:	2006-06-14 16:23
Subject:	NYC and back
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative
Music:	Once More With Feeling - the Buffy Musical soundtrack

wow...what a fun weekend.

I flew to NYC on thurs and the bf picked me up at the airport. We went straight to Coney Island, it was so tacky it makes Galveston look classy :) After wandering around and eating a Nathan's hot dog and chilli cheese fries (funny and disgusting all at the same time) we drove to Smithtown.

We spent the evening just talking, booking tickets for shows and watching Logo (the gay cable channel) which had some hilarious stuff on.

Friday we went into NYC and did a lot of shopping (I bought Stan Freeburg's double album 'History of America parts 1 and 2, and the musical 'Barnum' on dvd). I got 'checked out by another guy in the Virgin Megastore which felt rather gratifying. After an expensive dinner we went to see 'Avenue Q' which was absolutely HILARIOUS.

Saturday we went back into NYC again. First we saw '25th Annual Putnam Spelling Bee' which was very funny but the music didn't really capture me. While walking up to the lincoln Center we saw James Brown coming out of Trump Tower. We wandered around the center for a while as there was a fun craft fair on and then after going to Tower Records ('Home Movies' season four on dvd and 'The Magic show' - the weird 70s musical starring Doug Henning on dvd) we had chinese. That night we saw 'The Light in the Piazza' which was absolutely fantastic...and it's being broadcast on PBS this friday!!!!!!!!!

Sunday we slobbed....we watched 'Trembling Before G_d' on Logo (hooray for Tivo) and went to the beach. Then we came back and I cooked dinner and we watched the Tonys. I can't believe 'Sweeney' didn't win for best Revival and 'The Drowsy Chaperone' for best new musical!

Monday I flew back home again.

It was a good connective trip with the bf...we even had some a minor 'fight' which felt really healthy and made the weekend feel real rather than something seperate from normality.

now I'm back home working on stained glass and trying to learn the fiddle parts for 'The Robber Bridegroom'. I'm playing all three parts by myself which is definitely a cause of some hand cramping!!!!!

Date:	2006-06-07 09:42
Subject:	Sore Fingers!
Security:	Public
Mood:	bouncy
Music:	The Robber Bridegroom

I must be mad! I'm playing violin for a production of the musical 'The Robber Bridegroom' at the end of this month. It's a 'bluegrass' musical so the fiddle parts are pretty fiendish and I'm out of practice (severely) so I'm having to work hard to get my fingers moving at the speed they need too. Oh well at least I get paid for it.

I'm off tomorrow to NY to see the bf as friday is my birthday...gonna see some shows, go to Coney Island and eat hotdogs...and their will be prob be some wild sex in there somewhere too :)

woohoo

Date:	2006-05-31 16:22
Subject:	waiting waiting waiting
Security:	Public
Mood:	waiting
Music:	Arvo Part - Kanon Pokajanon

So........still no word on the Requiem. It's been finished for weeks now and I notified the Music Director :( Nearly every day he says that we'll get together and he'll listen to it and then piece he commissioned from me but still nothing.

So........I bought a new box of games from an online company. They should have been delivered Saturday...but I'm still waiting.

So........I'm going to New York for my birthday...this trip cannot get here soon enough, I wanna see S. and enjoy myself away from here in some cooler weather.

So........apparently my mom has mailed me a box! I have no idea what's in it but it isn't here yet either :(

I'm also in deep shock and trauma as I've finished watching all seven seasons of Buffy...so now I have a big hole in my life. LOL

Date:	2006-05-27 16:02
Subject:	still no requiem
Security:	Public
Mood:	new games arrive today :)
Music:	Billy Joel Greatest Hits

I knew it wouldn't happen - oh well.
hubarb
A good couple of days, I went over to a friends last night and cooked full english dinner for him and his family. Toad in the hole, roasted potatoes, roasted onions, pureed parsnips and brussel sprouts all followed by Rhubharb Crumble Ice-Cream ---yumm.

Tomorrow their is a party where I am the guest of honor...it's a thank you for all the work I've done for Mercy Street for the past 4 1/2 years, I'm sorta excited and sorta not...it brings up the internal struggle of "If these people knew who I really was they wouldn't be celebrating me, they'd be despising me". Fortunately enough of them DO know what I'm really like and they STILL wanna celebrate me, so I should be able to get my demon of low self esteem to shut up :)

I'm pushing hard to finish Buffy...I'm in the final season now and only about 10 episodes left - then how will I fill my time????

Date:	2006-05-25 09:28
Subject:	Still no Requiem!
Security:	Public
Mood:	Flaming!!!!!
Music:	Still Billy Joel

Hmmm well I typeset the music for T, but he never did hear the Requiem stuff (he said we'll do it today but I'm not holding my breath).

But in a random turn of events a couple of kewl things happened yesterday.

a) T is going to start a small 10-12 voice choir to do some harder choral works and he wants me to be a part of it.

b) The choir is hopefully going to Australia next year and if they do it looks like I might get to go for free (fingers crossed)

c) He and I went out to eat yesterday and it was pleasant!!!!!!



I'm sitting here today re-typesetting the music I did for him yesterday - his mistakes not mine. I'm wearing my very bright flame shirt and I'm in a good mood :)

woohoo!